Realization hits...

I have such a whiny, whingy blog!

And then things are all OK again when we hang out. And I feel like a jerk for over-thinking.

I am a walking contradiction a lot of the time.

April 09

Long time since my last post... Tis the way things go sometimes - well, a lot of the time. But that's alright. No one reads my blog anyway, and its more like an outlet than anything else. Facebook and twitter make it so easy to keep in touch, so blogs are kind of out these days =)

Another recurring theme in my life - fair weather friends. Friends who are friends for a season. I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong with ME. You know that when something keeps happening to you - and you keep finding you're the victim, its time to examine yourself. I think I'm a pretty good friend. Which is my problem, maybe I'm not as good as I think I am. I've been hurt so many times by so many different people who I thought were good friends of mine, I wonder what it is I do to repel them.

Sometimes its misunderstandings, other times its just "growing apart"
- Reading a situation wrong.
- Taking things to heart, taking offense.
- Unforgiveness. Putting up walls so you don't get hurt again.
- Not taking time out to spend with that friend.
- Being too busy. Not being understanding about people's schedules.
- Being hard hearted.
- Realizing certain friendships are so one-sided.
- Not bothering to care because you got bored with dealing with the same problems over and over again. And then realizing I care too much - but that my opinions/advice don't matter one bit. Well, what do I know anyway - I'm just a random person you decided to call your friend.

Maybe my perception is severely skewed. Maybe I've changed? Maybe I've grown out of some friendships and I don't bother - don't give a damn. Which is so unlike me. But if you don't want to work on this friendship, why should I keep trying to make it work?

I'm so thankful for the friendships I have that I know will last a lifetime. The ones that won't change - even without seeing each other for years. The ones who think of you often, and keep you in their prayers - and vice versa. The ones who I'll be sitting with when I'm an old grandmother =) I love you guys - you know who you are.

I hate goodbyes

I dreaded it all week, and this morning it happened. This morning, Cat and Leanna left. They've left Ireland for good, to go back to their families and friends in America. It was one of the most difficult goodbyes I've ever had to say. Wait, no. It was the most difficult goodbye. I've been comforting myself with the fact that its not goodbye for ever, its just goodbye for now, but it's just not going to be the same without them.

Right now, I'm trying to stay in denial , but I know it won't last. It's already starting to fade. This week, I won't get to text or call Leanna. This Friday, I won't see either of them in cell group. Sunday, I won't see them in church, or get to go have lunch with them. In 2 weeks time, when An Tobar Nua is back to business, I won't get to see them when I stop by - no more smiles, no more hugs from the best hugger I know, I won't hear Leanna say "Who are you?!" or get to play with Cat's darts... There's more, but I might end up in a puddle of tears. What can I say, I'm going to miss you guys.

Apart from feeling like there are Cat and Leanna-sized holes in my heart, I have to say that I am sooo thankful for having them in my life, the friendship, the joy and the memories we shared - Our God is an awesome God, He's been blessing me again and again with amazing friends :) I'm going to look back, and think of you, and my heart will smile, and well up with love. You both have blessed my life so richly, just by being your very unique and loving selves :)

Boldbean, out!

Woah..

Half the year's done and only one post so far?

It's a new season in my life - one where I need to be serious about studying, and very separate from that learning how to be a good doctor.

One where there is a lot of uncertainty, I don't know where I will be going to work after I graduate. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Sure I'll be called a "doctor" but what am I going to do with the position that I've been placed in? Save me God, from being just another employee who works without a purpose, who works for the sake of working. There is so much more in You, Lord.

A season of transformation, there is a lot that needs working out - attitudes and behaviours that are no longer wanted or needed. A season of brokenness and humility. A season of confession, change and commitment. A season of the revival of my spirit.

The year has quickly dissipated, not without its share of ups and downs, joys and sorrows - but always with God's love and favour shining through. I will share a little more, a little later :) But for now, I'll sign off.

Walking in His favour,
Stacey

To start where I left off..

I think I use this blog as a kind of therapeutic outlet. It may seem at times like my life is full of bad things? But its really not, its usually great! Minus the times I get slightly upset, and maybe slightly dramatic :)

This is one of those times.

Not exactly feeling like a tissue box. But close enough: Who's going to be there for the person who always tries to there for everyone else?

I don't know what happens. I think what happens is that I end up feeling like my heart aches. I don't think I should have a pity party for myself, not right now anyway..

It'll be better tomorrow :)
My heart will heal, I have a Healer.
I will get comfort - I have a great Comforter.
And I have the Bestest Friend anyone could ever ask for :)

I can't decide where I want to be..

To be carefree again
Weight of the world
Off my shoulders

My mind wanders to
Streets long ago
Places afar off
People and smiles
Laughter and the times
Being together, close

If I stopped, reminiscing
Stopped wishing, wanting
I might realise the beauty
The joy and love I have
And the potential of
Right here and now

Maybe I just need to get away for a little while..
To a place, I don't know where.. But in a very fast car.

Ever feel like..

You've been used? Kinda hurts my heart when I realise I've been used.

Not trying to blow my own horn or anything. But I think I'd be the sort of person you could rely on to be there for you when you're going through crap. I know that when I am there for someone, I really am there. I feel as sad as they do, as angry, as stressed out, and depressed. You name it - I feel it with you. I go out of my way to help them through and make them laugh or smile again.

But when its all over and things are all honky dory... What happens then?

I sometimes find myself booted out of that person's life. Everything's just dandy now, so they get back to living their lives. Doing what they used to before the crisis happened. And continue living their lives without me. Use me like a tissue and throw me out with the trash.

It hurts a lot. You'd think that after you go through something so huge that you'd be closer as friends or that you'd make more of an effort to hang out and stuff. But no.. I hate it when I come to this point and realise that I've been used.

Maybe they then associate being with me to the time that we went through together? That makes a little sense, but not enough. Maybe its that I'm only good at one thing; that I'm a good shoulder? Maybe, maybe, maybe... Maybe someone could enlighten me?

It's a crappy feeling but.. Sure, this isn't the first time and I don't think it's going to be the last time or that there's ever going to be a last time. I love my friends more than enough to be there for them, doesn't matter what happens after that.

I feel like a tissue box.
What's gonna happen when I run out of tissues? I hope that day never comes.

Change

Who likes change? I don't really, but I think it is necessary.

Sometimes change is for the best
though it can be painful

Sometimes change is for the worst
how does this end up being so easy?

Sometimes you see change coming, and you try to stop it
but it only gets here faster

Sometimes think there isn't change
but it comes and stays and you
only realise its presence in retrospect

Sometimes you try to make change happen
and only rarely are you successful

And the times you are successful...
You could be left with the maybe of whether
you really wanted the change to begin with.

If there is no change there will be no growth.
And if there is no growth, you will exact no change.

So there you go - the epiphany of my day.