Realization hits...

I have such a whiny, whingy blog!

And then things are all OK again when we hang out. And I feel like a jerk for over-thinking.

I am a walking contradiction a lot of the time.

April 09

Long time since my last post... Tis the way things go sometimes - well, a lot of the time. But that's alright. No one reads my blog anyway, and its more like an outlet than anything else. Facebook and twitter make it so easy to keep in touch, so blogs are kind of out these days =)

Another recurring theme in my life - fair weather friends. Friends who are friends for a season. I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong with ME. You know that when something keeps happening to you - and you keep finding you're the victim, its time to examine yourself. I think I'm a pretty good friend. Which is my problem, maybe I'm not as good as I think I am. I've been hurt so many times by so many different people who I thought were good friends of mine, I wonder what it is I do to repel them.

Sometimes its misunderstandings, other times its just "growing apart"
- Reading a situation wrong.
- Taking things to heart, taking offense.
- Unforgiveness. Putting up walls so you don't get hurt again.
- Not taking time out to spend with that friend.
- Being too busy. Not being understanding about people's schedules.
- Being hard hearted.
- Realizing certain friendships are so one-sided.
- Not bothering to care because you got bored with dealing with the same problems over and over again. And then realizing I care too much - but that my opinions/advice don't matter one bit. Well, what do I know anyway - I'm just a random person you decided to call your friend.

Maybe my perception is severely skewed. Maybe I've changed? Maybe I've grown out of some friendships and I don't bother - don't give a damn. Which is so unlike me. But if you don't want to work on this friendship, why should I keep trying to make it work?

I'm so thankful for the friendships I have that I know will last a lifetime. The ones that won't change - even without seeing each other for years. The ones who think of you often, and keep you in their prayers - and vice versa. The ones who I'll be sitting with when I'm an old grandmother =) I love you guys - you know who you are.

I hate goodbyes

I dreaded it all week, and this morning it happened. This morning, Cat and Leanna left. They've left Ireland for good, to go back to their families and friends in America. It was one of the most difficult goodbyes I've ever had to say. Wait, no. It was the most difficult goodbye. I've been comforting myself with the fact that its not goodbye for ever, its just goodbye for now, but it's just not going to be the same without them.

Right now, I'm trying to stay in denial , but I know it won't last. It's already starting to fade. This week, I won't get to text or call Leanna. This Friday, I won't see either of them in cell group. Sunday, I won't see them in church, or get to go have lunch with them. In 2 weeks time, when An Tobar Nua is back to business, I won't get to see them when I stop by - no more smiles, no more hugs from the best hugger I know, I won't hear Leanna say "Who are you?!" or get to play with Cat's darts... There's more, but I might end up in a puddle of tears. What can I say, I'm going to miss you guys.

Apart from feeling like there are Cat and Leanna-sized holes in my heart, I have to say that I am sooo thankful for having them in my life, the friendship, the joy and the memories we shared - Our God is an awesome God, He's been blessing me again and again with amazing friends :) I'm going to look back, and think of you, and my heart will smile, and well up with love. You both have blessed my life so richly, just by being your very unique and loving selves :)

Boldbean, out!

Woah..

Half the year's done and only one post so far?

It's a new season in my life - one where I need to be serious about studying, and very separate from that learning how to be a good doctor.

One where there is a lot of uncertainty, I don't know where I will be going to work after I graduate. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Sure I'll be called a "doctor" but what am I going to do with the position that I've been placed in? Save me God, from being just another employee who works without a purpose, who works for the sake of working. There is so much more in You, Lord.

A season of transformation, there is a lot that needs working out - attitudes and behaviours that are no longer wanted or needed. A season of brokenness and humility. A season of confession, change and commitment. A season of the revival of my spirit.

The year has quickly dissipated, not without its share of ups and downs, joys and sorrows - but always with God's love and favour shining through. I will share a little more, a little later :) But for now, I'll sign off.

Walking in His favour,
Stacey

To start where I left off..

I think I use this blog as a kind of therapeutic outlet. It may seem at times like my life is full of bad things? But its really not, its usually great! Minus the times I get slightly upset, and maybe slightly dramatic :)

This is one of those times.

Not exactly feeling like a tissue box. But close enough: Who's going to be there for the person who always tries to there for everyone else?

I don't know what happens. I think what happens is that I end up feeling like my heart aches. I don't think I should have a pity party for myself, not right now anyway..

It'll be better tomorrow :)
My heart will heal, I have a Healer.
I will get comfort - I have a great Comforter.
And I have the Bestest Friend anyone could ever ask for :)

I can't decide where I want to be..

To be carefree again
Weight of the world
Off my shoulders

My mind wanders to
Streets long ago
Places afar off
People and smiles
Laughter and the times
Being together, close

If I stopped, reminiscing
Stopped wishing, wanting
I might realise the beauty
The joy and love I have
And the potential of
Right here and now

Maybe I just need to get away for a little while..
To a place, I don't know where.. But in a very fast car.

Ever feel like..

You've been used? Kinda hurts my heart when I realise I've been used.

Not trying to blow my own horn or anything. But I think I'd be the sort of person you could rely on to be there for you when you're going through crap. I know that when I am there for someone, I really am there. I feel as sad as they do, as angry, as stressed out, and depressed. You name it - I feel it with you. I go out of my way to help them through and make them laugh or smile again.

But when its all over and things are all honky dory... What happens then?

I sometimes find myself booted out of that person's life. Everything's just dandy now, so they get back to living their lives. Doing what they used to before the crisis happened. And continue living their lives without me. Use me like a tissue and throw me out with the trash.

It hurts a lot. You'd think that after you go through something so huge that you'd be closer as friends or that you'd make more of an effort to hang out and stuff. But no.. I hate it when I come to this point and realise that I've been used.

Maybe they then associate being with me to the time that we went through together? That makes a little sense, but not enough. Maybe its that I'm only good at one thing; that I'm a good shoulder? Maybe, maybe, maybe... Maybe someone could enlighten me?

It's a crappy feeling but.. Sure, this isn't the first time and I don't think it's going to be the last time or that there's ever going to be a last time. I love my friends more than enough to be there for them, doesn't matter what happens after that.

I feel like a tissue box.
What's gonna happen when I run out of tissues? I hope that day never comes.

Change

Who likes change? I don't really, but I think it is necessary.

Sometimes change is for the best
though it can be painful

Sometimes change is for the worst
how does this end up being so easy?

Sometimes you see change coming, and you try to stop it
but it only gets here faster

Sometimes think there isn't change
but it comes and stays and you
only realise its presence in retrospect

Sometimes you try to make change happen
and only rarely are you successful

And the times you are successful...
You could be left with the maybe of whether
you really wanted the change to begin with.

If there is no change there will be no growth.
And if there is no growth, you will exact no change.

So there you go - the epiphany of my day.

Phewww...

Got my first presentation done today (of my research project).. Lasted about 15-20 minutes :) The conference room was pretty full up with nurses, phlebotomists, radiologists, final med students and Dr. Dunne and Prof. O'Brien.

Kinda mumbled through my 21 slides and yeah :) It went well I thought.. Got some words of encouragement from both Prof. O'Brien and Dr. Dunne.. Was happy enough with that :)

Ooh! And I'm doing a parachute jump! (For charity..) I have to raise €520 before February/March.. And so far I have €111 :) So, a fifth of the way there! Wheeeeee! Anyone want to sponsor me? The money raised will go to the VSA :)

And today, random muscles have been twitching non-stop. RANDOM. There's a tiny muscle twitching behind my right knee at this very moment, and during the day I've had my triceps muscle twitch on more than 2 occasions. What's with all the twitchiness :( I don't like being twitchy :(

Goodbye Mr. A!

I don't think tonight could have been any more fun than it was! I went for my first "young adults meeting" its a new small group - for yes.. young adults!

What a random mish-mash of different personalities! But we all got along!! All 20 of us :) Some Irish folk, some Americans, a few Malaysians and a Singaporean :) Only God could have brought all of us together like He did and let us get along so well :)

The night started off pretty quiet - all of us not really knowing each other (well the An Tobar Nua crew knew themselves) but at the end of the night.. It was just MADNESS I tell ya.. MADNESS. Jumping off stools, longboarding around the cafe, dance offs on the tiny stage.. And to think.. It all started with humble tea and biscuits :)

Esther reminded me of what we prayed for aaaaaaaaaaaages ago :) We prayed exactly for a group like this when we first met 3 years ago - and lookie! 3 years later - answered prayer :) We're all here and together for a reason in this season :) I can't wait to find out what the reason is!

2 songs that I can't get outta my head..

Goodbye Mr. A! by the Hoosiers

Apologize by OneRepublic

Ooh! It's my brother's birthday today :) Happy birthday my brovva..

So..

Dr. Harney is a legend! I SO wanna be an opththalmologist now!

"Argyll-Robertson Pupil; like a prostitute - accomodates but doesn't react.."

She was giving us a tutorial keratitis today.. She told us about when she gave birth to her second child and the baby's eye was stuck (Gonococcal opththalmae neonatorum - a complication of gonorrhoea) and Prof. Loftus, our current Dean, holding the baby and looking at her. How embarrassing would that be if that was what the baby had :P Turns out the baby had a blocked lacrimal gland..

And that brought her to another story :P When she was doing bacteriology as a student, they all had to do throat swabs on each other. One of her classmates (who's now working in the hospital) got a call from Dr. Corbett-Feeney; saying he had Group B Strep in his throat... Group B Strep is normal flora of the female genital tract :P

These are funny stories right? Haha.. Maybe only to med students? I don't know.. I thought they were hilarious - and so did the rest of the class ;)

That's not the reason I wanna do ophthalmology :P Wait.. Do I really want to? It does seem fun :) And I could try my hand at teaching as well - I'm so inspired :) She's such a great teacher.. And you get to use lasers!! Blip! Blip!

Anywho, time to get back to studying - I got my ophthalmology exam tomorrow :P

Vanity

I don't know what it was that was the trigger. Just been a random day. Just feel like I'm tired of it all, like everything was pointless and useless. That feeling's kinda waned at this point, but it was odd that I felt that way. I spent all afternoon looking at different things I could do - I have a 4 day weekend coming up and I just want to run away from it all. From the busyness and the laziness of my life, with old and new things that stress me out, the elation and the depression, the weight of the world on my shoulders. Old friends that come and go, new friends, "used-to-be" friends. Messing up, cleaning up. Studying for exams, sitting exams. Learning new things, forgetting old things. Getting new skills, letting old ones rust. Do you see the vanity? Everything's done in vain.

Come to think of it - I still am feeling quite random. And I do still want to run away.

I don't know..

Could I be more bored than I am right now? I don't think so... Thought that if I stayed in the CSI I would at least get some work done, but I've been free for the past hour an a half - and no work has been done.

Here is a story I got read yesterday:

There was once a girl, who's confused and damaged. She spends all day in the room watching stars on the ceiling, and flying in a forest of sand, looking and looking.

She doesn't know. Maybe answers, or maybe more questions. Yeah, she'd prefer more questions. But she knows that once she finds what she's looking for, her life is over.

One day, when she's in the forest, she saw a lake. It was shining and glistening so brightly that both the sun and moon slumbers in it. She smiles.

She went to the lake, took off her shoes slowly. She looked at herself in the reflection. She saw a beautiful face, a radiant being. She wiped her cheeks.

Wiping away maybe tears, maybe sorrow. She's thinking, why can't others see this beauty? why do others make me escape to this realm, to hide my presence among the breaths of earth?

To be continued...

The story intrigues me.. Can't wait to hear the rest! :)

Open Mic Nite!

So, I sang last night. And it was awesome! Haha, not self-praising.. I'm talkin bout the experience.. A bar full of people and me, with a guitar and a mic and my hair put up into a multicoloured mohawk. Awesomeness! I sang "Spiderpig" (from the Simpsons movie for the many people who didn't know :P), "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley, the chorus of "Rehab" and "Sugar, we're goin' down" by Fall Out Boy.

I was soooooo nervous goin up. My knees were kinda goin weak, and my mouth was goin dry.. The sound system wasn't great so I couldn't hear myself sing - all I could hear was my guitar :P

So, I get up there and put the guitar on, and start playing a chord :P And people started cheering - but wait! I hadn't adjusted the mic yet - so I had to stop playing. And the cheering stopped.. Anywho.. I adjusted my mic - with Steve's help and got on my way singing..

I think I half mumbled the first song :P Kinda shocked at the sound of my own voice - it looked like the crowd went quiet.. "Is my singing that bad?!" Haha.. Hope not.. Anyway the adrenaline kicked in and I just got into performing :) Sang the rest of my songs, and people sang along :) Most my friends and classmates have never heard me sing/play the guitar before so.. Yeah.. I got my ego stroked - ALOT. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Whenever I think of it - I can still feel the adrenaline buzz! Can't wait for next year! I have to start thinking of what songs to sing now :P Haha, plenty of time to practice ;)

One week to go..

And I'll be back in Galway, with a weekend to go before starting 5th year.

I have to admit, its pretty scary! Its the last year I have before I'm expected to know almost everything, being a Final Med Student. I also have a research paper to complete before the 21st of September (my Mummy's birthday!) So yeah.. Its gonna be busy when I get back, plus my parents and my brother will be coming along to Galway as well.

Each time I come home to KL, I find it easier and easier to leave. Its not something I really like, its just, a thing I've noticed. Galway is becoming the place I live my life, the place I'm starting to call home. I don't want to call it home, because my definition of home has always been where my family is. And my family is here? But things are changing this year. My brother is heading back with me - he's goin to be studying in the UK.. And my parents and my youngest brother might be moving to Vietnam. And I don't think I'd call Vietnam home, so.. I'm going to be confused with where "home" is.

My holiday at home so far has been filled with trips to One Utama, procrastinating writing my paper, eating good good food, shopping, shopping, shopping, playing with my brothers (yes, playing outside, running here and there, jumping around, sliding down slides - wheeeeee!), feeding my dogs treats making them happy and tail-waggly :)

Again..

Its been ages.. I think my last post was bout 4 months ago? Since then, we got done with exams, moved from 3 the Rookery to "Rumah Merah", said bye to Annie, said hello to Flavian, summer research project started and ended but still not completed, went through 2 rented cars, crashed into a tree in a bush for the fun of it (not one that was rented), twisted both my ankles, hyperextended my shoulder, grazed my knee, got 2 huge-ass bruises, all from jumping around outside with Che, hmmm what else happened... Well we stayed a night in Dublin for the BudLight Revue Comedy Festival... Yeah... That's my summer in Galway in a nutshell! Back at home now, kicking back, getting way too lazy... I sit and watch TV even when there's nothing to watch, and there's usually nothing to watch. Today I thought I'd do something different, so here I am posting a blog :)

Long time no blog!

Part of the reason being that my laptop died :( and also, its kinda hard trying to write a blog in a public place? As in the computer suites, where the screens are big enough that people who pass by or look over can read what you've written... So no blogs for that reason, oh yeah, we were having exams too! One last one on Monday, medicine MCQ. Oh wait, and the forensics oral on the 31st - if I get picked...

Anyway, we've been a busy busy house over here. Everyone trying to get stuff packed so we can be out of this house by the 30th... Zool's the first one to get everything done, Esther and I are pretty close behind... Sheila and Zaidan finally got their car back :) So they can zoom onwards as well...

So far, I have got:
- 15 medium sized boxes
- 2 large boxes
- 2 duffel bags
- 1 guitar case
- 1 suitcase
- 1 hand luggage bag
- numerous little boxes

And I still have 2 tables, 2 book racks, one shoe rack, and a whole kitchen cupboard full of things to pack... Hopefully all will be sorted and moved by the 30th :D Cos on the 31st - Ang and I are going to Kilkenny! Yayyyy :) We're going for the Cat Laughs Festival :)

But yeah, I'm so sad we don't get to stay with Zool (and our perpetual house guest - Afza) next year... It's been loads of good times - great times actually! Them cooking, me eating! Haha, I don't know how I'd have survived had they not offered me food whenever they cooked. I would probably miss food from home a lot more if they didn't! Also, I think I would have failed certain subjects had they not been here to study with me. I get so relaxed when I study alone sometimes, and I get too lenient with myself so that I end up studying really really slowly, with loads of breaks in between. But seeing them studying, I feel the need to study. And I have that teeny bit of pressure that I need to really concentrate :) I love them so much!

Things do get crazy when we hang out. Random, loud shouts ensue - each person trying to give Afza or Sumi a fright. It works on Afza maybe 50% of the time, but on Sumi? You get a much higher success rate ;) Its fun scaring people. I remember for Sumi's birthday we all hid in her room while she was in the shower, and she came out went into her room and got a little surprise trifle :)

We have some crazy videos too - some taken without them noticing I was taking a video! 2 makcik's talking on my bed, someone trying to turn around in my wheelie chair and falling off it, someone waffle-waffling at someone else's bum bum, someone wearing my bag as a hat and talking like Phua Chu Kang, someone dancing around thinking I was going to take a picture, ALL of us taking turns to "stand" on our heads on Sumi's bed, in Sumi's small room, and Sumi trying to do it - ALL WRONG by the way... HILARIOUS.

Bop-it games. Pretending to sleep whenever anyone entered a room - regardless of what they were doing at the time, for example Afza walking to the toilet and Zool watching a move on his laptop (I enter the room) and Zool looks at me shouts "Sleep! Sleep!" and Afza "falls asleep" standing up leaning against the wall and he does the same wherever he is. It may not sound funny - but it is SO FUNNY. Makes me feel kinda unwanted at times, haha, but it's just funny!

We also cram study for exams together. Those were the times! Playfully telling each other off for making noise (turning a page or moving around).

Random trips to Tesco and the Mediterranean store... I'm gonna miss grocery shopping with them! They taught me how to "not-buy-expensive-things" :) And I now cook more often because I learnt that bringing a lunch to school saves me SO MUCH MONEY - that I learnt from ZooZa :)

What else do we get up to? Oh yeah, we watched Friends! We got to the final episode of the final season, and we all got so emotional - cos we were moving out too! "Appletiser with Friends" is now "Peartiser with Friends"! Peartiser sounds so weird! At least Appletiser sounds like appetiser, Peartiser doesn't! As well, after almost 3 years of Appletiser being the sponsor. Weird!

We watch Heroes together :) And, people get bad dreams together after watching it :P

We also imitate Sumi - especially when she's not around - we do it cos we miss her when she's not! Plus it's fun to do ;) Hehe.. We love you Sumi!

I'm gonna miss staying with you guys so much!

Afza :) There's something proper about her and she's got an old soul - like Sumi said. I think that's pretty true :) She's got a kind of datin-aura around her, you know? Like she is someone big, someone up there, but without being a proud person. She's guarded but when she lets down her guard - you'd be hard pressed to get her to keep something from you :) And she's a brilliant cook! And makes the BEST CHOCOLATE CAKE EVER!

Zool, you are full of surprises! Also a brilliant cook! Zool is the cause of zoolosis - which is difficulty in correctly recalling times and dates :) He has spread this disorder to me :( I'm now a carrier! He's a romantic guy, and I just love seeing him and Afza together. With some couples you feel all icky seeing them together, but not with these guys :)

Like Ang said, "They're Zool and Afza!" You just don't see them being apart :) I love you guys!

Sumi, not so much - cos we're staying together again next year! But I'll write a little tribute to my aunty-like friend as well :) Sumi's great :) She's the kind of med student that's painfully enthusiastic! And so painfully is she enthusiastic! Hehe, no she's not that bad :) She's a hard worker and a very determined person - and I look up to that. Sometimes I wish I could be like that, but I dunno... Maybe one day :) Esther is brilliant at the piano! And a really good harmonizer ;) When I can't find the harmonies to songs - Esther finds them for me :)

I'm so amazed at the way our friendships have grown over the past year and a half - and I really truly am looking forward to a lifetime of it :)

Popularly known as SPM

Social and preventive medicine. Why, oh why?

When I say, "I am a Christian"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved


...

Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer