Ever feel like..

You've been used? Kinda hurts my heart when I realise I've been used.

Not trying to blow my own horn or anything. But I think I'd be the sort of person you could rely on to be there for you when you're going through crap. I know that when I am there for someone, I really am there. I feel as sad as they do, as angry, as stressed out, and depressed. You name it - I feel it with you. I go out of my way to help them through and make them laugh or smile again.

But when its all over and things are all honky dory... What happens then?

I sometimes find myself booted out of that person's life. Everything's just dandy now, so they get back to living their lives. Doing what they used to before the crisis happened. And continue living their lives without me. Use me like a tissue and throw me out with the trash.

It hurts a lot. You'd think that after you go through something so huge that you'd be closer as friends or that you'd make more of an effort to hang out and stuff. But no.. I hate it when I come to this point and realise that I've been used.

Maybe they then associate being with me to the time that we went through together? That makes a little sense, but not enough. Maybe its that I'm only good at one thing; that I'm a good shoulder? Maybe, maybe, maybe... Maybe someone could enlighten me?

It's a crappy feeling but.. Sure, this isn't the first time and I don't think it's going to be the last time or that there's ever going to be a last time. I love my friends more than enough to be there for them, doesn't matter what happens after that.

I feel like a tissue box.
What's gonna happen when I run out of tissues? I hope that day never comes.

Change

Who likes change? I don't really, but I think it is necessary.

Sometimes change is for the best
though it can be painful

Sometimes change is for the worst
how does this end up being so easy?

Sometimes you see change coming, and you try to stop it
but it only gets here faster

Sometimes think there isn't change
but it comes and stays and you
only realise its presence in retrospect

Sometimes you try to make change happen
and only rarely are you successful

And the times you are successful...
You could be left with the maybe of whether
you really wanted the change to begin with.

If there is no change there will be no growth.
And if there is no growth, you will exact no change.

So there you go - the epiphany of my day.

Phewww...

Got my first presentation done today (of my research project).. Lasted about 15-20 minutes :) The conference room was pretty full up with nurses, phlebotomists, radiologists, final med students and Dr. Dunne and Prof. O'Brien.

Kinda mumbled through my 21 slides and yeah :) It went well I thought.. Got some words of encouragement from both Prof. O'Brien and Dr. Dunne.. Was happy enough with that :)

Ooh! And I'm doing a parachute jump! (For charity..) I have to raise €520 before February/March.. And so far I have €111 :) So, a fifth of the way there! Wheeeeee! Anyone want to sponsor me? The money raised will go to the VSA :)

And today, random muscles have been twitching non-stop. RANDOM. There's a tiny muscle twitching behind my right knee at this very moment, and during the day I've had my triceps muscle twitch on more than 2 occasions. What's with all the twitchiness :( I don't like being twitchy :(

Goodbye Mr. A!

I don't think tonight could have been any more fun than it was! I went for my first "young adults meeting" its a new small group - for yes.. young adults!

What a random mish-mash of different personalities! But we all got along!! All 20 of us :) Some Irish folk, some Americans, a few Malaysians and a Singaporean :) Only God could have brought all of us together like He did and let us get along so well :)

The night started off pretty quiet - all of us not really knowing each other (well the An Tobar Nua crew knew themselves) but at the end of the night.. It was just MADNESS I tell ya.. MADNESS. Jumping off stools, longboarding around the cafe, dance offs on the tiny stage.. And to think.. It all started with humble tea and biscuits :)

Esther reminded me of what we prayed for aaaaaaaaaaaages ago :) We prayed exactly for a group like this when we first met 3 years ago - and lookie! 3 years later - answered prayer :) We're all here and together for a reason in this season :) I can't wait to find out what the reason is!

2 songs that I can't get outta my head..

Goodbye Mr. A! by the Hoosiers

Apologize by OneRepublic

Ooh! It's my brother's birthday today :) Happy birthday my brovva..

So..

Dr. Harney is a legend! I SO wanna be an opththalmologist now!

"Argyll-Robertson Pupil; like a prostitute - accomodates but doesn't react.."

She was giving us a tutorial keratitis today.. She told us about when she gave birth to her second child and the baby's eye was stuck (Gonococcal opththalmae neonatorum - a complication of gonorrhoea) and Prof. Loftus, our current Dean, holding the baby and looking at her. How embarrassing would that be if that was what the baby had :P Turns out the baby had a blocked lacrimal gland..

And that brought her to another story :P When she was doing bacteriology as a student, they all had to do throat swabs on each other. One of her classmates (who's now working in the hospital) got a call from Dr. Corbett-Feeney; saying he had Group B Strep in his throat... Group B Strep is normal flora of the female genital tract :P

These are funny stories right? Haha.. Maybe only to med students? I don't know.. I thought they were hilarious - and so did the rest of the class ;)

That's not the reason I wanna do ophthalmology :P Wait.. Do I really want to? It does seem fun :) And I could try my hand at teaching as well - I'm so inspired :) She's such a great teacher.. And you get to use lasers!! Blip! Blip!

Anywho, time to get back to studying - I got my ophthalmology exam tomorrow :P

Vanity

I don't know what it was that was the trigger. Just been a random day. Just feel like I'm tired of it all, like everything was pointless and useless. That feeling's kinda waned at this point, but it was odd that I felt that way. I spent all afternoon looking at different things I could do - I have a 4 day weekend coming up and I just want to run away from it all. From the busyness and the laziness of my life, with old and new things that stress me out, the elation and the depression, the weight of the world on my shoulders. Old friends that come and go, new friends, "used-to-be" friends. Messing up, cleaning up. Studying for exams, sitting exams. Learning new things, forgetting old things. Getting new skills, letting old ones rust. Do you see the vanity? Everything's done in vain.

Come to think of it - I still am feeling quite random. And I do still want to run away.

I don't know..

Could I be more bored than I am right now? I don't think so... Thought that if I stayed in the CSI I would at least get some work done, but I've been free for the past hour an a half - and no work has been done.

Here is a story I got read yesterday:

There was once a girl, who's confused and damaged. She spends all day in the room watching stars on the ceiling, and flying in a forest of sand, looking and looking.

She doesn't know. Maybe answers, or maybe more questions. Yeah, she'd prefer more questions. But she knows that once she finds what she's looking for, her life is over.

One day, when she's in the forest, she saw a lake. It was shining and glistening so brightly that both the sun and moon slumbers in it. She smiles.

She went to the lake, took off her shoes slowly. She looked at herself in the reflection. She saw a beautiful face, a radiant being. She wiped her cheeks.

Wiping away maybe tears, maybe sorrow. She's thinking, why can't others see this beauty? why do others make me escape to this realm, to hide my presence among the breaths of earth?

To be continued...

The story intrigues me.. Can't wait to hear the rest! :)